forgive me for my sins

"It's hard to soar like an eagle, when you're among turkeys."
- Fr. Joaquin Bernas, Society of Jesus (Dean, Ateneo Law School, Philippines)

I'm not condoning the friends and colleagues who surround me everyday -- that is hardly the case. It may never be obvious, or show itself plainly, but I love all the people in my life. Sometimes my love can be tough love though; lots of disagreement, miscommunication, the occasional jealousy, and plenty o' plenty of arguing. But that's not why I brought up the quote...

It's hard to aim for my goals, when I always always keep on repeating the bad habits I've grown. I've taken care of so many 'turkeys' now (bad habits), I can hear the *bok*bok*bok* in my ears.

For most of the nearly two years I'm here, I've gained bad eating habits. I've lost touch with dozens of friends, inspite of the geographic barrier. I've unlearned a lot of basic communication and speaking skills that helped me earlier in life. I've watched more TV, and read less literature. I've slept more hours, and feel less energetic throughout the day. I've learned to start my day at 9am, instead of before at 7am. Worst of all -- I've temporarily lost perspective on the goals and life-truths I hold dear.

I know I didn't grow up this way. Before my working life (and hence secure income) came, my life wasn't as physically comfortable (or 'like this'), but in retrospect, it was happier and I was content. Back then I knew how to live without airconditioning even during hot summer months, or how to commute the 'long' way (ala bus+train+'jeep'/'tricycle'). I knew how to be happy with a 3 year old laptop, or 'lutong bahay' (home cooked meals). (On a side note, I grew fat FROM home cooked meals... but that's a different 'sin'). An example beyond materiality, I knew how to laugh at simple things - something we filipinos call 'mababaw ang kaligayahan/tawa' (laughter that is shallow / easily laughs). Point is -- in times when I had limited resources, I knew how to make MOST of what I had in life. And that made me happy.

Thinking just now, I recognize my bad habits fall into one theme -- we choose and we set our own boundaries in life.
Being given financially much in the past 2 years has made me insensitive to how I make most of my life. I lost sense of what 'optimal life' meant, and instead thought it meant living the best life i can afford.

Regardless of anyone's income status, a great life is never about living the life you can afford, but living the person you want to be. We are in control of who we are and want we want our life to be. Our income and status in life are only one of life's 'enablers', and should never be a 'definer.'

Let me begin to relearn the life-truths I've scattered on my way here. Let me begin with this.